2010: A Year in Review

I am not really a fan of New Year's resolutions as a rule, mostly because I suck at keeping them. Typically I make them, they last a little (a very little) while, and then they fall by the wayside. I can't even tell you how many January 1sts I have spent making all these lofty weight loss and fitness goals, and for various reasons, failed to follow through. I do think though, that the start of a New Year is a good time to reflect on life... to take a step back and think about where you've been and where you want to go. To kind of revise your short term 'bucket list', so to speak. I've seen quizzes like this on other blogs, and thought it might be sort of cathartic to look back over 2010 and consider some goals for 2011.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Became the parent of a teenager (our oldest turned 13 in May) I may need some help to get through the next 18 years (That's how long we'll have teenagers in our home. Really!)

Ran a 10K (maybe I should start by saying that I ran further than from the grocery store to the parked car when it's raining out, because that's probably the furthest I had run since high school PE class)

Ran a Half Marathon

As a result of the above accomplishments, I have also reached a weight that I'm happy with for the first time in my adult life.

Learned to water ski after MANY failed attempts over the years.

Hiked my first 14er (Mt.Elbert, the highest peak in Colorado)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


Like I said, I'm not in the habit of making them anymore, because I would always just end up feeling like a giant (chubby) failure. However, weight loss has been an ongoing goal of mine pretty much since I started having babies, and I did know from fairly early in the year that I would be doing a 'Biggest Loser' type contest. So, I can safely say that losing weight was a goal for me this year. I lost a total of more than 25 pounds, and am fitting into a size I've never worn in my adult life.

I think I actually will write out some goals for myself this year. Maybe if I put them in writing and share them with others, I may feel some accountability and work harder to achieve them. Or? Maybe I'll just feel like a failure again. Oh well, I guess I'll just hope for the first option.

Things I HOPE to accomplish in 2011:

• Run 3-4 times a week

• Train for and finish another half marathon

• Run a full marathon (OMG did I really just say that?)

• Pay off our debt

• Climb another 14er

• Make more time alone with my husband (let's start small... once a month)

• Read at least a book a month

• Manage my stress and anxiety a little better

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


I am caring for the little munchkin of one of my husband's colleagues while she works. She wasn't really close to me when she gave birth, but BECAUSE she gave birth we are getting closer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?


Yes. My grandmother passed away. She had been battling dementia for a long time, and didn't recognize me the last time I visited her, but it was still hard to know that she was gone from my world completely.

5. What countries did you visit?

We have 5 kids, living on one salary (plus some daycare income), and trying to pay off our debt. I would say that traveling out of the country is pretty much beyond our means for the foreseeable future.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

I would like to have no debt (aside form our mortgage). I am hoping, at the rate we're going, we can achieve this by mid year.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 31st - First 10K (time 56:55)

August 4th - my grandma's passing

August 14th - First Half Marathon (time 2hrs 6min)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


I would consider finishing a half marathon my biggest accomplishment. Crossing that finish line was the best feeling, and I will absolutely participate in more races.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I tend to let stress make me into a bona fide crazy person, and unfortunately for my family, they tend to bear witness to the craziness.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I tend to be pretty healthy, but I had a hamstring injury back in September that slowed me down for a few weeks. I also had surgery to fix a gnarly varicose vein that had been getting bigger and bulgier for the last 8+ years, but the recovery was quick and easy.

11. What was the best thing you spent money to get?

I would say the surgery to fix the gnarly vein, but we had almost met our deductible by that time. The trip Zack and I took to Leadville to go rafting and hike our first 14,000 foot mountain was money soooo well spent. Three nights alone together can do wonders for a relationship. Also, we just replaced our old, bulky, broken TV with a nice, big flat screen. We have been watching lots more movies as a family, and playing the Wii together.

12. What did you get really excited about?

My races were definitely exciting. I also get pretty darn excited when I get to see my friend of 20 years, Jamie. We managed to get down to New Mexico to see her this summer.

13. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Move Along by The All American Rejects

I ran to this song a lot this year, and it never failed to keep me strong.

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong

Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

14. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder? Happier.

– thinner or fatter? Thinner.

– richer or poorer? Because our debt has been paid down so significantly, I would say richer.

15. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Scrapbooked (the further behind I get, the less motivation I have!)

Played with my kids. You know... the get down on the floor with the toddler kind of play that, for me, too often comes AFTER the cleaning.

16. What do you wish you’d done less of?


Stressed and worried over things that were beyond my control

Raised my voice at the kids

17. What was your favorite TV program?

I watch hardly any TV, but we always watch Survivor as a family. It's probably not the best show on TV, but there aren't a whole lot of options that are appropriate for the whole family.

18. What were your favorite books of the year?

The Hunger Games series, The Girls With the Dragon Tattoo Series, and The Help

19. What was your favorite music from this year?


I rediscovered a lot of music from my youth (particularly Depeche Mode) this year, and I love me some BEP or Pink when I'm running.

20. What were your favorite films of the year?

I didn't watch as many movies as I would have liked, and most of them were PG (a few PG-13s thrown in for good measure)

How to Train Your Dragon

The Girl Who Played With Fire (most definitely NOT PG)

(The Backup Plan was the worst movie I saw. Trust me when I say, DO NOT waste your time on that one!)

21. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

It was just yesterday, and we spent the afternoon plying the Wii, and then went out for dinner as a family. I am now 37 (even though I don't feel any different than I did when I was 29).

22. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?

Less health problems/scares for my children. They are all fine, but we had a couple of minor surgeries and a visit to Denver Children's Hospital to see a specialist (not to mention our ER visit on Christmas Eve).

23. What kept you sane?

Exercise. My dear friend, Jamie (I swear she kept me from going over the edge more than once this year). Coffee. My husband. Writing.





24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.


I am worthy of the effort. I am worthy of the hard work. And it's totally worth it.

Wishing you all the best things in 2011!!!

The Best Surprise

It seems like just yesterday I was holding and loving on this little boy...

But this is the little boy I see today. Baby no longer.

Two years ago our family received a gift named Quinn. Happy 2nd birthday to the very best surprise. He wasn't in 'the plan', but he has been such an incredible blessing to our family. I just wish the whole 'growing up' thing would slow down just a little bit.

Rubber Boots and Christmas Eve

Rubber Boot Update:

About a week ago I told you all about the walmart.com mix-up and Quinn's leopard print rubber boots. After searching for a phone number on walmart.com, trying to get connected to an actual person and waiting on hold for 30 minutes (Really! 30 minutes!), I spoke to a very friendly and helpful representative who explained how to go about shipping the rubber boots back. She also arranged to have the correct item sent with one day shipping. This was on Monday. It still had not arrived by Friday, so I guess one-day shipping really means one week. Oh well. Quinn didn't notice. He was happy enough with the candy canes. He'll be excited all over again when it finally arrives.

*********************

Twas the Night Before Christmas...

We went to see the Chronicles of Narnia movie on Christmas Eve afternoon. We all really enjoyed it. I didn't so much enjoy the 3D pricing. There is no such thing as a matinee price when it comes to 3D movies; It was $11 bucks each. Have I mentioned that there are seven people in our family? That is one VERY expensive movie! We just got a subscription to internet Netflix, and Zack was quick to point out that the cost of that movie is almost equivalent to a full year of our Netflix subscription.

We got home in time to put the finishing touches on Christmas Eve dinner, but a wrench got thrown in the plan (as so often happens around here). Shayna said she was feeling 'weird' and was jumbling up her words. She also complained that her right arm was asleep and and tingly. At first I thought she was messing with us, and made it very clear to her that I did not enjoy 'health scare' humor. She wasn't messing with us though, and when she sounded slightly intoxicated when she tried to recite the pledge of allegiance, I decided that I should call the doctor.

I was put through to a 24 hour RN call line, and after listening to her symptoms, the on-call nurse told me to hang up the phone and call 911. Now our town is small, and we live less than 5 minutes from the hospital. It's really faster to drive yourself than to wait for an ambulance, not to mention a LOT less dramatic. So, off we went. To the Emergency Room. On Christmas Eve. By the time we got there, the tingling in her arm had started to wear off, and she said she was feeling nauseous and her head was starting to hurt. The nurse took us back right away, and started by testing her blood sugar. It was normal. The doctor came in within a few minutes, and after his exam, proclaimed that she was likely suffering from her first migraine. We were gone for less than an hour, and when we got home she took some medicine and rested in a dark room until it wore off.

So we ate dinner, watched Miracle on 34th Street and sent the younger kids off to bed. Zack & I shut ourselves in our room to finish the wrapping. I know. Nothing like the last minute. In our defense, the only place to hide gifts is in the garage, and if we brought them all in to wrap them, we would have to take them all back out again. And bring them all back in again. It seemed to make more sense to carry them in once.

Things were moving along nicely... cutting, taping, tagging. Then we opened the box that Owen's guitar was shipped in and saw this:

The lesson here: Always open the box and check the condition of the items BEFORE Christmas Eve. It came while the kids were home and I put it in the garage right away, and then I got busy with our rodent visitors and I just never got to it. Major Christmas bummer for Owen. We put it under the tree anyway with a note about how it got broken on the sleigh ride.

Finally, Zack and I settled our brains for a NOT so long winter's nap. It was shorter even than I expected because at about 2:45 I heard voices in the living room and hurried in to find Evan about to dump out his stocking. Owen had been up for about 20 minutes checking things out, and decided he needed some company. He woke Evan up and they were both making a little Christmas mischief. After a little scolding, I sent them back to bed until DAYLIGHT!!!

But... it's hard to stay grouchy for too long when you see these faces...

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Delivery For... Quinn???

A few minutes ago Zack went outside to unplug the Christmas lights and there was a Fed Ex box sitting on the porch. He brought it in, and I asked who it was from. He checked the label and said it was from Wal Mart. The 'Ship To' label said 'Quinn Allen'. So we open the box expecting to see a fun toy, and this is what we see instead:

SIX PAIRS of them. All the same size. A women's size 8. What. the. HELL???

We were baffled and bewildered and thinking maybe someone is pulling some kind of prank. So we checked the label again. It's definitely from Wal Mart. It definitely reads, "Ship To: Quinn Allen". The same Quinn Allen who happens to be a boy. The same Quinn Allen who is not yet 2, and doesn't quite fit into a women's size 8. The same Quinn Allen who only has ONE PAIR OF FEET!

Then we noticed that the shipping label lists the contents of the box as a 'stroll and go trike'. Ooops. Someone screwed up.

Now what the HECK am I going to do with six pair of size 8 boots????

The WORST Kind of Visitors

I am kind of reluctant to blog tonight. To be very frank, I am kind of a wreck. Actually, I have been a big bawling, hysterical crazy-woman tonight. My husband almost booked me into a hotel. Yes, it was THAT bad.

This craziness has all been the result of some visitors to our home. In-laws?, you may be thinking. I have to say these visitors are Oh SO MUCH WORSE than in-laws! Oh my gracious, you guys! SO MUCH WORSE than in laws. Mice.

I KNOW! It has me completely freaked out. I am literally afraid to open a drawer. Afraid to go into the bathroom. Afraid to get something out of a cabinet. Afraid to walk through my own house.

It started a little over a week ago when I opened a cabinet to get out a rubbermaid container for our dinner leftovers and saw what I thought to be mouse droppings. I KNOW! I was completely disgusted too! Not panicked though. Not yet. That was yet to come.

Weird coincidence... we have NEVER bought mousetraps in all our 15 years together. We have never had a need. But Zack just bought some so that Shayna would have one for her science project (a mousetrap car). So... he set one for our little uninvited houseguest. He checked it the next day, and the blasted thing had eaten the peanut butter off and went on about his mousy little business (in MY house).

A few days later Shayna was in the basement watching TV in the family room and came upstairs hollering that she had just seen a mouse scurry through the light fixture (we have large florescent lights that are recessed in the ceiling and connected to ductwork). An actual 'mouse sighting'. So our little mouse problem got just a little bit bigger.

Zack went ahead and set all 3 of the extra traps we had - one in the light fixture, one in the cabinet, and one at the base of the cabinets. The next morning (this past Saturday) when he checked them, one was untouched and the bait had been taken from the other two. What the heck kind of mice do we have here? Apparently, the kind that eat peanut butter off of a trap without setting it off. The horror continues: I also found evidence (ie mouse crap and cotton balls strewn about) in my bathroom cabinet.

That same morning we were headed to hockey games in Durango (that trip is a whole other story). So, before we left, the traps were re-set in the hopes that we would return home to some very dead mice.

We returned home this evening (Sunday) to find - YET AGAIN - that the bait had been taken off two of the traps. I was really thinking that it was time to try some different traps. So, I was pretty upset, but still holding it together. I opened a drawer to get out a rag to wipe down the counters so that I could make dinner... and a piece of chewed up rag fell out. AND!? It had mouse poop all over it. Zack dumped out the contents of the drawer and the hot pads had also been chewed and had stuffing pulled out of them.

This was the beginning of the hysteria. They had been crawling around in my drawers! The silverware drawer too. And the cabinet where I had found the first sign earlier in the week? Tons of droppings. IN MY KITCHEN!!! WHERE I MAKE FOOD!!! THE FOOD WE EAT!!!

The dilemma? How do I clean, if they are just going to get into my drawers again during the night? Well after I spent a little time (OK. A lot of time) freaking out, crying and just being generally HORRIFIED, we took the silverware and other items out of the drawers, sterilized it all and shut it all up in the dishwasher with the other clean dishes. I also put some in the microwave. And the oven. Those are pretty mouse-proof, right?

I have to tell you, I was hesitant to share this with all of you. Why? Well, because I am kind of compulsive about having a clean house, and this is all so DIRTY. It's very embarrassing... not to mention completely disgusting. I am wary in my own home. I am the opposite of comfortable and relaxed, which is what I SHOULD be. It is all highly unsettling.

I want this all to go away. Like, YESTERDAY! It is time to call in the professionals. I want this done fast (OH MY GOSH! BEFORE THEY HAVE LIKE 100 BABIES!!!!) and I want it done right. So, I have already left a message with an exterminator. Hopefully they can come and HELP ME first thing tomorrow. Are all these capitals helping you understand how AWFUL this is. ABSOLUTELY AWFUL.

The Basement: No Children Allowed

I had a visit from the area childcare licensing specialist this morning. About three months ago, I started jumping through the required hoops to get my daycare license. I know all the hoops are really the state's attempt to look out for the best interests of little people. I have to say though, that in order for me to run this type of business, it is my opinion that the state invades my rights just a tad.

Example: I want my basement to be exempt, meaning that the children in my care will not go in the basement during childcare hours. This is because we use a wood stove as the primary heat source for our home. If I were to allow the children to use the basement, I would have to put some sort of fence around the stove. More trouble than it's worth, really. Thus... the exemption.

Well, the gal tells me while she's at the house this am that if the basement is exempt, MY OWN CHILDREN can't go down there during my childcare hours. How on earth can they tell me that my own children can't go into a part of OUR own home. Riley is not allowed to go into his own bedroom and the boys can't play video games or watch TV in the family room. WHAT?

She goes on to explain that all the rules that apply to the children in my care, apply to my own children as well. That means I must use gloves when I change Quinn's diaper, and I have to put a monitor in Quinn's room while he naps (even though I can hear him from anywhere in the house when he calls to me from his room) AND I'm not allowed to spank my kids during operating hours. Dang. I guess their spankings will have to wait until after 5:00 (: Settle down. I'm just kidding). But, I do find it bordering on absurd that my children can't be at home in our home until after 5:00.

Am I overreacting?

A Day to Myself (Well... almost)

Today was a heavenly day. Zack took the four older kids skiing, and Quinn and I spent the day at home together... just the two of us. We read books, watched Yo Gabba Gabba (even though I really sort of hate that show) and snuggled.

While Quinn napped, I sipped coffee and caught up on some shows I had on the DVR. I read a little. I did a load of laundry. I cleaned the floors. I made some soup and baked a loaf of fresh bread.

This might not sound like the standard definition of 'heavenly', but I did not have to referee a single disagreement. I didn't have to make and clean up after meals for a herd of children. I did not have 5 children placing demands on me. Just one sweet toddler who was perfectly happy not to have to share my attention with his siblings.

The day was peaceful. It was productive. I loved every minute of it. Then... my family came home. It went from peaceful to chaotic. Arguments over dibs on the TV/video games broke out within minutes. I watched as the cleaning I had done was promptly undone. The entryway looked like a poorly organized ski shop. Half a dozen helmets, gloves and various other skiing accessories were strewn about haphazzardly.

But... Evan was positively bursting to tell me how he moved up from level 1 to 3 after his very first ski lesson. Not many things are quite as exciting as your first time on the chairlift. Riley filled me in on the changes to the terrain park. Apparently there are some pretty rad jumps and rails. I'll take his word for it. Owen told me that the bread I made with dinner was the best ever (even though he didn't really like the soup).

I like it when they leave. It makes me appreciate having them home again.

The Pop Quiz

Yesterday I was driving Owen home from his guitar lesson after a hectic day caring for 4 children (ages 5, 4, 2, and 6 weeks), getting a 5 and 6 year old suited up for hockey practice (if you have never done it, trust me, it is a major accomplishment. I kind of think I deserve a medal or something), dropping Riley's hockey jerseys at the ice rink (because it was picture day and I forgot. Imagine that!), fixing dinner, going to the gym. Ya know, the regular harried mom routine.

My mind was most certainly not in the car with Owen. It was on getting the enchilada casserole in the oven the minute we walked in the door so that we could eat as soon as Riley got home from hockey practice. It was on the doctor bills in a neat little stack on the counter waiting for someone (me, I guess?) to pay them. It was wondering who was going to get Shayna to her 6:00am basketball practice in the morning (her dad, most definitely).

So here I am lost in Mommy thoughts, and out of nowhere Owen begins firing questions at me:

"Did Einstein ask questions? True or False?"

"Is the heart the most powerful muscle in the body?"

"Is Chinese a hard language to learn? True or False?"

"What was the color of Coca Cola when it was first introduced?"

It's so great how sometimes my when mind is on the things that kind of suck in life, one of my kids reminds me that there are plenty of pretty terrific things too... like pop quizzes in the car.

The Tree: A Day in Pictures

We had actually planned to get a tree the previous day, and had packed our gear as well as some cookies and hot chocolate and headed to our usual tree cutting location. The kids were all bubbling over with excitement because this year we planned to get 4 trees: one for the living room, one each for Shayna and Riley, and one for Owen & Evan to share. We were almost to the spot in the road where you could start to see evergreens, and the snow on the road was terribly deep and drifted in spots. Zack looked at me and said, "We're so close, What do you think?" I left it up to him, and he tried to get us through but all we got was good and stuck. We tried for an hour to dig ourselves out, with no luck. We watched as half a dozen folks on snow machines passed us without offering assistance. Finally 3 young men stopped and helped. You could tell they didn't really want to, but I suppose they knew it was the right thing to do. They all had picks and shovels with them, and another hour later we were headed home with headaches and cold, wet bodies and without a tree. It was a disappointing day. I wish I had taken some photos, but I was a little too preoccupied with our predicament.

So on Sunday, we tried again, this time on Rabbit Ears pass, where the snow is much deeper. As we were approaching the trailhead, a lady hopped out of her car and asked me if I had a camera. I looked at her in confusion, wondering what she might want me to take a picture of. She explained that she wanted to take a picture of us. She said we were just too cute with our sled and snowshoes and all those children. We rarely have an opportunity to get a photo of all 7 of us, so I gladly accepted her sweet offer. As she returned the camera to me, she asked, "This isn't all one family, is it?" I answered, "Yes, as a matter of fact it is". She gave me a look of either bewilderment or admiration. I couldn't tell exactly which.

When we had reached a point in the trail where we saw some suitable trees, Zack left me with Quinn while he and the others went to scout out the situation. Quinn refused to stay on the sled, and he also refused to stay on the packed trail, veering off into several feet of snow over and over again. This resulted in a cold, wet cranky toddler in a very short time. This photo was taken when we first got there, and he still thought it was all pretty exciting... before the cold, wet crankies set in.

Owen didn't have snowshoes, because in the stress and confusion of the previous day's failed tree cutting expedition, his were left behind. He stayed back near the trail with us, and occupied himself with building a snow fort.

Evan picked out a tree to share with Owen and hauled it back to the trail all by himself.

And... he made it almost all the way back before crashing. Pulling a tree bigger than him with giant metal shoes strapped to his snow boots is not as easy as it looks.

After finding herself a tree, Shayna was put to work pulling Quinn up and down the trail. This was done in an effort to keep him from face planting in the snow over and over again. If you look closely, you can see that he is already beginning to lose it.

He cried NONSTOP for about 45 minutes. I knew that his gloves were wet, and his hands were freezing, so tried to put my gloves on him. He screamed and threw them back at me. There was no consoling him. As soon as we had all the trees cut, we began the trek back to the car. It was much slower going with four trees and a screaming toddler. The photo below is Quinn after warming up in the car for 10 minutes or so. Still crying.

Evan and Owen had a ball decorating their tree all by themselves, and they were so proud of the finished product. They did have to take a break from decorating every now and then to scream at each other, but that's life sharing a room (and a Christmas tree) with a brother.

Riley putting on one of his favorite ornaments... a snowman made out of fishing bobbers. I know, but it really is cuter than it sounds.

Shayna was a big help. I was a little under the weather, and it took all my energy just to get some photos taken. She put all the bows on for me, as well as a large portion of the ornaments. Teenagers aren't all bad.

The finished product... ignore the bare spot on the left side. We have never had to drag a tree that far, and apparently the dragging sort of rips off the branches. Next time we'll drag it on a tarp or sled to preserve the branches.

It's a genuine Christmas miracle! All five children looking at the camera and smiling at the same time! It was a long couple of days trying to get that tree, but now that it's up all the yucky parts (like digging tires out of snow, a screaming toddler and dragging four trees and five children for half a mile) seem a little less yucky.

A Letter to my Children: My Thanksgiving Wish

My Dear Children,

This Thanksgiving, my wish for you, my sweet (and hornery) blessings, is that you are able to push aside all the insignificant things in this life, and focus on the things that really make this life wonderful and amazing and so worth living.

I know it's hard sometimes when there is a constant flood of messages from all around you telling you that it's the 'stuff' that we have that matters. I know that when you're asked what you're thankful for, it's really hard not to list things like ipods, gaming systems, toys and clothes. I know that you see your peers who have stuff that you envy and want for me to give you. Sometimes I don't give you those things because I just can't... financial limitations have put them beyond my reach. Other times it's because I want you to work for them yourself. I also know that if I were to give you everything, you would appreciate nothing.

I want for you to see the big picture. To have a broader view of the world than our little home. I want for you to understand how incredibly blessed you really are. I want you to see the many gifts that are placed in your life each and every day.

It is a gift to wake up each day in a warm home, surrounded by people who love you... a gift that many children in this world don't have.

It is a gift that you have never been truly hungry. Oh, I know you think you've been hungry, but the kind of hunger you've felt (the kind when I'm an hour late getting supper on the table) always ends with a meal. You have never felt the belly swelling ache of real hunger. Many children feel this ache each and every day of their lives.

It is a gift to feel safe, to know that your family will always protect you and never intentionally cause you harm. Too many children live their lives in fear of those who should love and protect them.

You are warm. and fed. and safe. and loved. I know it doesn't always seem like enough, but it is. I promise.

All My Love to You... My Greatest Gifts,

Mommy

A little first grade writing to make you smile...

We had parent teacher conferences on Tuesday evening, and Evan's teacher was giving us the run down on how he's doing. Owen was sitting with us, flipping through Evan's journal. He came to this page, his eyes got really big and you could tell he couldn't wait to show it to us and totally bust his little brother.

In case you have trouble with deciphering first grade writing, let me help you out.

I want a naked dance party. I like naked. I like dancing.

As Zack and I read through it, I was biting back laughter, while Zack was putting on his 'stern dad' face. His teacher said she was hoping we wouldn't notice that page (she didn't want him to get in trouble). Zack had words with Evan about writing about 'appropriate' topics. So if you happen to bump into Evan, don't mention this. We don't want to encourage this sort of thing. We just want to giggle about it where he can't hear us. And I promise there is no naked dancing going on around here. That would be downright frightening.

This one is completely appropriate AND completely adorable! It's a riddle about what their Halloween costume is.

It has red on it. It has 5 pistols. I have vittles to eat. I kill varmints. I use my red rope to lasso cattle. I ride a shiny, fast, black horse and I wash his fur everyday. Who am I?

It's cowboy Evan!

It's Not My Fault! My Frontal Lobes Weren't Fully Developed

Teens are getting an out for their less than perfect behavior these days based on research that suggests that the brain's frontal lobes aren't fully developed until well into the 20's. The frontal

lobe plays a pivotal role in impulse control and judgement. I'm guessing my frontal lobe was still underdeveloped during my college years because, although I managed (by some miracle) to get a degree (and a good GPA), those years would surely be characterized more by a whole lot of FUN than by good judgement and sound decision making.

My dear friend Jamie and I would have made perfect test subjects for this type of study. While in college, we happily demonstrated our poor judgement and terrible lack of impulse control on pretty much a daily basis. One such display involves an evening excursion to our high school town. The reasons for this particular lark have become fuzzy with time, but I'm sure we were up to no good and my guess is that it involved a boy.

Jamie and I back in the days of poor impulse control and lack of judgement

While there, we had this wonderful inspiration... to steal street signs. Stolen street signs of various types were a pretty common dorm room decoration, and we thought we'd join the crowd. We had already taken a couple of signs and were busily working on another when I saw a busybody neighbor peeking out of the blinds from a house across the street. We hurriedly threw the sign and our collection of tools into the trunk of the car, climbed in and sped away from the scene of our misdeed. We thought we had gotten safely away, and were surprised to see the nosy neighbor climbing into a car and driving after us. Folks, this was a real live CAR CHASE, and it was happening to US! This car followed us through town, in and out of lanes of traffic frantically waving at us to pull over. I was as scared as I had ever been. Who was this vigalante, out for 'street sign justice', and what was he going to do or say to us if we did pull over.

Our first inclination was to head home, but we didn't have enough gas in the car to make the hour and a half drive back, and we didn't know how far this lunatic was going to try and follow us. We were unsuccessful in our attempts at evasion, and ended up pulling into a parking lot behind a pizza place, hoping to lose him. It didn't work. He got out of his car and... he wasn't lunatic or a busybody. He was a COP... an off duty cop, but a cop all the same. I can safely say 'Murphy's (my maiden name) Law' was working against us that evening. We chose the sign in front of a cop's house to steal. What are the odds???

You think we were freaking out during the chase?? This turn of events put us in a full blown pants messing panic because he was calling in his buddies in the black and whites and we were convinced that we are going to the big house. We have visions of pat downs, strip searches and showers with inmates flying through our underdeveloped brains. Oh and that little detail of calling our folks to bail us out of JAIL! OMG!

Well, it turns out we had some of the nice guys, and they didn't even arrest us. Can you imagine our relief? They did charge us with misdemeanor LARSENY, though. We had to appear in court before a judge (who also turned out to be one of the nice guys). The judge said that he understood that it was a teenage prank, and gave us a little smackdown about how unsafe it was for the motorists who come to an intersection where some punks (us) have taken the stop sign down. Imagine the consequences? We were really very remorseful, and he explained that this little lapse in judgement would be erased from our record if we managed to keep our noses clean for the next year. Don't you love a happy ending?!

It's a funny story now... one that my family (particularly a certain older brother) loves to recount. My parents actually laughed when I called to tell them about the incident. They did not find anything funny about my illegal activity, but they did see some humor in the fact that I got caught and (the whole car chase/off duty COP thing is kinda funny when it's not you it happened to!). When Jamie told her parents, her dad told her that he already knew she had been up to something that night, because a co-worker had told him that he had heard her name on the police scanner. It's hard to break the law in your small home town, and not have someone rat you out (I appreciate this fact so much more now that I am a parent).

So back to school we went to continue our studies and work on developing those frontal lobes. I am happy to tell you that we have both grown into responsible (law abiding) citizens. These days we both use great judgement, and control our impulses extremely well (most of the time anyway). We just had to give those brains time to mature.

Reasons

I could give you all sorts of reasons why I can't or shouldn't or really just don't feel like running. Wanna hear them?

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, it's practically getting dark in the middle of the afternoon.

It's cold. And sometimes it even snows. And the wind might blow and make my ears all achy.

Our evening schedule is out. of. control. Do they have recovery programs for moms who can't say no to 'just one more activity'? Cause I think I may need one. Last night Zack left to take Evan to hockey at 4:30, got him on the ice, then headed home to get Owen ready for his 5:45 basketball game. I picked Evan up at 5:45, dropped Riley off for his hockey practice, and raced over to catch the rest of Owen's game. After the game, I dropped the boys off with Shayna at the house and went to get Riley off the ice a little bit early so that we could make it to his 7:00 basketball game. (Did I mention that Zack is coaching both basketball teams?) We started the Allen Family Taxi Service at 4:30 and didn't get home until after 8:00. And nobody even tipped me!

In the mornings there is the whole 'What do I do with Quinn?' dilemma. I could always push him in the stroller. You guys, trust me when I tell you that pushing a toddler in a jogging stroller is MUCH harder than those skinny, fit, hard-bodied chicks in the advertisements make it look! MUCH HARDER! I know it is giving my arms a workout, and I'm burning extra calories, but I honestly don't care.

It's a lot easier to sit at home on the couch with the candy bowl in my lap watching 'Biggest Loser' while I stuff my face with fun size Twix and Kit Kats (they're only like 80 calories each).

I just had SURGERY 3 days ago guys! OK. So, it was only to remove a varicose vein, and even though they gave me a prescription for Percoset, I actually only had to take Advil twice. I feel perfect, but it SOUNDS really sad and pathetic when I say, "I just had SURGERY!"

There's always the treadmill at the gym, but have you ever tried to run on one of those things. Running is hard... that's kind of the point, but running on a treadmill is like torture on a conveyor belt. Every mile seems to take soooo much longer. Maybe that's because all I have to look at is the ESPN that all the muscle boys in the gym like to watch. Also I am going absolutely NOWHERE. I prefer to have an actual destination and some scenery other than sweaty bodies, football, and a WALL! It certainly doesn't help my motivation that all the people on the equipment behind me have an unobstructed view of my jiggly BUTT!

I have mostly been on my own. My running partner is back at work (teaching), and the other gals I sometimes run with have kids and busy lives too. It's been hard to make it work. When I have a running date with another person, I will almost always keep it. When I only have myself to be accountable to... see above.

Reasons I will keep running even though I have plenty of perfectly good excuses not to

I am happy with my weight for the first time in my adult life.

Shopping for clothes is a much less emotional experience than it used to be. There is less crying, and more actual BUYING... it might actually be characterized as FUN.

When I sit down, instead of seeing bumpy cottage cheesy cellulite on my thighs (pretty picture, huh?), I have actual MUSCLE definition.

I am STRONG. Strong enough to climb a 14er. Strong enough to water ski. Strong enough to run for 13 miles without stopping. I am 36 years old, and I'm doing things I've never done before. That feels amazing.

I am a mom. My life is, for the most part, about my family. That is as it should be. Running (and now the writing I am doing here) are the only things I do JUST FOR ME. It's my time. Time to think and reflect on things that are happening in my life. Time to get some space from the issues, and hopefully gain some perspective.

I have energy. I am no longer moving through life in a fog that I just can't seem to shake. Instead I feel alive and energized. These kids of mine will sap every last bit of energy from me, so I need all I can get.

Other than the five times I have pushed 9-10 pound human beings out of my body, I have never been prouder of myself than when I crossed the finish line of my first half marathon. It was an incredible moment. One I would like to experience again.

Even though it's hard. Even though sometimes I don't feel like it. Even though it's complicated to fit it in to my crazy life. I. will. keep. going.

Do Not Drive or Operate Machinery

OK. So today, I am not grumpy. I am sooo tired and just a little bit loopy from the 'happy medicine' (anesthesiologist's word, not mine) that I got this morning. This particular procedure did not require a general anesthetic. Instead, they explained that I would be given something to relax me. I was slightly concerned with this arrangement, because when my body is 'relaxed', my lips tend to be 'relaxed' as well. I end up saying things that embarrass me as well as those near my relaxed lips. Turns out I was actually heavily sedated and slept through most of the surgery. What a relief! Dodged some potential embarrassment at my follow up visit next week.

[Small town side note - I actually know the anesthesiologist on a personal level]

If you missed #8 in yesterday's post, I had outpatient surgery to 'remove' (the icky word they use is 'strip') a varicose vein in my thigh. Said vein has been getting uglier, bulgier and owier since I was pregnant with Owen (8+ years ago).

My hope is that I can wear shorts next summer, and when I wear a swimsuit at the pool or lake, my dearest children will not stab me through the heart with comments like, "Ewww! Mom! What is that blue bumpy thing on your leg?". That's not too much to hope for, is it?

Also, the nurse told me that I shouldn't drive for 24 hours. When I told her that I had planned to take Riley to hockey this evening, she said I'd better not because it could cost me a DUI and several thousand dollars. I guess I better find him a ride that isn't under the influence of 'happy medicine'.

What's Got You Grumpy?

1) It's Monday, and I'm not really a Monday person. I'm more of a Friday person.

2) Daylight Savings Time is an enemy to Mothers everywhere! You wouldn't think one stinking hour could throw our lives into such a swirling mass of chaos, but believe me, It can.

3) Did I mention it's Monday?

4) I stubbed my toe yesterday, and it hurts.

5) The weather is changing, and there is a storm headed this direction. I should just be happy with the fact that we have had beautiful weather the last few weeks, but I hate to see the snow come because I know it won't be leaving for a while.

6) We need new winter tires which means we will soon be about $800 poorer.

7) A friend just told me that a woman WHO DOES NOT EVEN KNOW ME was bad-mouthing me. Seriously? I have only spoken to her in passing a few times. What the heck?

8) I am having a varicose vein stripped tomorrow. I am a big baby about stuff like that (I even get a little bit freaked out about flu shots), so I am getting a teensy bit nervous.

9) Owen is having surgery next week to repair a hernia. It's his second surgery in less than a year, so I feel like a big ole baby for whining about #8.

10) I have a HATE/HATE relationship with the treadmill and I will be forced to HATE it a lot this week (see #5).

11) Sometimes I feel like I am swimming upstream when it comes to parenting my children. I will leave the specifics for another post, but it wears me down sometimes when I hear, "But EVERYONE else gets to do it!" all the frickin' time!

12) Medical Insurance (enough said)

13) The Halloween candy is soooo out to get me!

I promise that my next post will be something inspiring, and uplifting (I'll do my best anyway), but today let's just commiserate together. What's got you grumpy today?

Oh 'Deer'

Our town is dealing with a dilemma - a deer dilemma. Specifically, what do we do about their rampant numbers? Apparently, the deer have reaped great benefits from living in our little town. Why wouldn't they... food sources are abundant (even if you don't consider the crazies that actually put out feed for them), and there is plenty of shelter as well as a lack of natural predators (unless you count the dogs that chase them down the streets). Generations of deer have been born here with an abundance of food and no form of population control. This has led to a dramatic increase in numbers over the last several years.

Many of the complaints that I have read and heard with regard to the deer involve damage to landscape. The opponents of deer control measures make it sound as if these deer are just nibbling on a few flowers. They do, indeed, enjoy the occasional flower (especially tulips from the Allen yard). That is, however within the home owner's ability to control. If I would REMEMBER to spray my flowers with deer repellent, they would leave well enough alone. It goes far beyond flowers, however. They often destroy trees and shrubs and munch away at perennials. This can add up to hundreds of dollars worth of loss. The opponents of the deer control measures would counter that you should put a six foot fence around your yard. Put a fence around my FRONT Yard? What is this, Fort Knox? Forget about having a front yard that contributes to the beauty and charm of the town... fence it in!

Other complaints center around the claim that that the deer are aggressive, particularly toward pets of the canine persuasion. I get that dogs should be in fenced yards and/or on a leash. It makes me crazy to have to clean up after a dog that has used my yard as a toilet, and it makes me even crazier to be chased by loose dogs while out on a run. Dog owners should be held accountable for keeping their dogs under control, and face consequences when they fail to do so. If the dog is loose in the streets, and ends up being hurt or killed by a deer, the fault lies with the owner. But... what if the dog is in MY FENCED-IN BACKYARD? We don't actually have a dog (my children remind me regularly what a mean mom I am), but a couple of years back, we were dog-sitting, and were startled from our sleep by the dog whining. Assuming she needed to do her business, my husband let her out. It turns out, she wanted to go out to 'play' with the very large buck that was in the yard. The buck wasn't really interested in a 'playdate' and proceeded to take on a threatening stance. The buck's escape route was being blocked by the dog, and although Zack eventually manage to call the dog in, and all were unharmed, it had the potential to end much differently.

Honestly, I am not nearly concerned as concerned about pets and plants as I am my children. A very large (at least he looks very large in my small backyard, near my small children) buck has made frequent appearances in our yard this fall. He seems to like our apple tree, and doesn't care much for my rambunctious kids. I keep hearing folks say that if we would just check the yard before we go out, we would be safe enough. Unfortunately, it is difficult to get my five children as well as all the other little folk who visit our home (ranging in age from newborn to 13) to check for large antlered animals before running into the yard to play. The death or injury of a child would be a terribly tragic and painful way to realize how dangerous these animals can be.

'But they were here first!' may be one of the most common cries heard from the Defenders of Deer (DODs... What do ya think? I think I may have come up with a name for their cause?). The mountain lions, coyotes, wolves and bears were also here first, but I think that these DOD folk might not be as enchanted by a mountain lion slinking around the streets of their neighborhoods.

Recently, the City Council and the Division of Wildlife met to address the issue. The DOW presented three options: Establish a hunting area and season outside city limits, trap and kill them, or hire a team of marksmen to come into the city at night to kill them. They seemed to think that a combination of all three would be the best and most effective course of action.

I have to admit, I am a little disturbed by the idea of a 'marksman' prowling down my street at night, armed with a deadly weapon. It seems a bit more "Mission Impossible' than 'Mission Deer Removal'. Humane trapping and relocation seems to be a reasonable solution. However, these are animals that have only known town living, and I fear they would not be well suited to a more natural habitat. It also seems that they would be inclined to seek out another populated area. The idea of hunting outside city limits seems acceptable to me even though I, personally, would never shoot an animal on purpose. I'm more than happy to eat them, but I will leave the shooting to someone else, thank you very much. This idea has also aroused outrage among the DOD (Defenders of Deer). Even people who claim to be hunters themselves, have some aversion to 'killing these beautiful creatures'. Why are the deer who inhabit our town MORE beautiful and worthy of protection than those minding their own business on public lands. If hunters had the opportunity to take these animals, at least they would be put to good use.

There have been one or two letters to the editor regarding the deer dilemma in our local paper each day since the City Council meeting. The issue seems to illicit a very strong reaction in folks. I honestly don't think there is a perfect solution. For the most part I find the deer a charming addition to our town, especially when I am out for some exercise and fresh air and I encounter a couple of spotted fawns. Who can resist that sight? The mommas looking out for those babies and the big antlered boys are a whole different story, though.

'Weighing' In: Just my Opinion

There has been a virtual avalanche of tweets and blogs, comments, posts and talk show debates this week and it all began with CNN article about Mike & Molly, a sitcom that chronicles the story of a couple who meet at an Overeaters Anonymous group. The CNN story claims that "some viewers aren't comfortable watching intimacy between two plus-sized actors".

This article was followed by an opinion piece published in Marie Claire magazine, Should Fatties Get a Room? (Even on TV?). Marie Claire contributer, Maura Kelly wrote the piece in response to the CNN article and didn't hold back:

"I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them do anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room."

I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion (even though I happen to think that Ms. Kelly's opinion is wrong), but as a former 'fatty', I find it distressing that Marie Claire's editors could show such a blatant lack of respect or anything resembling compassion in giving this article the thumbs up. It is shameful that women's magazines are still trying to send the message that beauty only comes in a size small.

Overweight people are still people, and want the same things out of life as everyone else... love and companionship being at the top of most lists. Kelly's words imply that heavy people should not only keep their kissing and hugging private, but also refrain from 'walking across a room'. It seems like she would be more than happy for the big folks to just keep themselves hidden away to save the skinny folk from feeling 'grossed out' or 'aesthetically displeased'. Kelley goes on to say:

"Now don't go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who could be called plump. I'm not some size-ist jerk."

I think it highly likely that her 'plump friends' may beg to differ. If I were one of those friends (for I have had a history of 'plumpness'), I would certainly re-evaluate that friendship.

As I ponder this article, I also think back to the early months in my own journey to fitness. One of the most difficult struggles during that time, was exercising in front of other people. Let's face it... it's ridiculously embarrassing to engage in an activity that will necessitate the jiggling and joggling of all the parts you least want to draw attention to. If it grosses thin people (like Ms. Kelly) out to watch an overweight person do 'anything', including walk across a room, imagine their reaction to seeing heavy folks exercise. I read some comments from some fellow 'larger than size 4' exercisers who have had teenage boys shout taunts and ugliness out their car windows (their parents would be so proud) and men holler out the window, "Would you run faster for a donut?" It's hard to believe in the inherent good in people when a-holes like this give the rest of us a bad name.

Besides turing me into a cynic, people like Kelley and the 'exercise taunters' are really being counter-productive. Doesn't it seem like if their aim is to eliminate fat people from their view, (and locking them away on some private 'fat people' island is not really an option), then maybe they should be slightly more supportive of their weight loss efforts. Like... say for example, instead of gazing down their nose in contempt when they pass by them in the gym, smile and say a kind word. Give a thumbs up to the runner you pass on the road rather than a hurled insult.

Although there is no excuse for Kelly's hurtful words, following the onlsaught of responses to her piece, she did offer something in the way of an apology and an explanation. She has struggled with eating disorders and body image issues. I say too little, too late. It seems, if anything, her body image issues should help her to understand how complex and emotional these issues can be. It's going to take a lot of shoveling for her to dig herself out of this mess.

For a fantastic response to Maura Kelly's article, read this .

The 'Economy Option'

Evan had a well child exam a few weeks ago and based on his performance on the vision screening she gave him, his pediatrician recommended a thorough eye exam. This morning, at his appointment, we found out that he is farsighted with an astigmatism and will definitely need glasses (Our poor kids are cursed with terrible genes when it comes to vision). So we proceeded to the front of the office to peruse the frames. Evan was pretty excited about the whole experience, and can't wait to wear glasses. Funny... give him about 4 or five years and he'll be trying to convince me that he doesn't really NEED them anymore (at least that's what his sister tries to convince me of on a fairly regular basis).

[ After having his eyes dilated, the doctor was peering into his eyes, using a bright light and a special microscope. Evan was struggling to keep his eyes open and rubbing away at them. He told the doctor to stop shining 'that light of death' into his eyes. Ya think maybe too much Starwars?]

I think he tried on every pair of boys' frames they had on display, with prices ranging from $169 to $250 (SERIOUSLY?... it's about 3 ounces of metal!) I steered him toward the lower end of the price range. We took his favorite 3 frames back to the table and tried them on one at a time, narrowing it down to his favorite which was a blue metal and highly flexible (ie Evan proof) option. The associate then went over our insurance coverage. Turns out our vision insurance (VSP, a very common plan with good coverage), pays only $139 of the cost of the frames. WHAT? I couldn't help but question the associate.

Why is the least expensive frame on the display $169 if this very common insurance plan only covers $139?

Weeellll, we do have some less expensive options in the back. Would you like me to get them?

Yes. I would definitely like for you to get them, and I don't think it's right that you don't have them on display.

She didn't respond and went to the back room, returning with about half a dozen pairs of frames ranging in price from $99 to $130. How about that? They had plenty that were within our allotted amount. They just choose to keep them hidden from their customers, and only produce them when questioned. I informed the associate that I thought that this was a dishonest practice. I could see that this conversation was making her uncomfortable, and she was beginning to get a little bit irritated. She explained that those are the 'economy frames' and they choose not to display them. Really? Don't we all want to consider the 'economy' option (no matter what the purchase) before we make up our minds?

Evan tried on each of the less expensive options, and guess what? He already had his heart set on the blue pair that he had picked out earlier. Of course he did. We had been misled, and thought we had seen all that was available to us. Normally I would have insisted that he choose one of the lower cost options (cause I'm cheap like that), but none of them were quite as flexible as the pair he had chosen. He's 6 years old, and this is his first pair of glasses. I felt like it was worth the extra 30 bucks to get something that had some hope of withstanding the human tornado that is Evan.

One might find it interesting that even after I spoke my mind on the matter, I ended up going with a higher cost item. That's not really the point, though. I should have been presented with all the available options and been permitted to choose from those. Instead I felt like they were being sneaky, and downright unscrupulous by withholding information from me. I came away feeling like their aim was to get as much money out of me (and any other unsuspecting customer) as they could.

Before I left, I shared my opinion on the matter with the Doctor (in a very calm and respectful manner... I promise!). He explained that he wanted for his clients to have a 'high quality' (read: expensive) frame. I don't think I changed anyone's mind, but at least I spoke up. And I'm STILL fuming about it.

Next time I'll be sure to ask for the 'economy options' first.

Should I make it Permanent?

So... I have confession to make. I've been posing as a single lady now for about 4 months. No, I haven't been trying to pick up guys at the bar, or hitting the dating websites. I have no desire to relive that particular part of my life! I've just been living life without a ring on my finger.

It's not that I have a problem with the idea of a 'ring'. I sort of like the idea of Zack and I 'marking our territory', so to speak. It sure beats peeing on each other. I've always worn my ring 24/7... less chance to lose it if I never take it off. As the weight started to come off this last spring, it started to feel loose. By summer if I would wave my hand around or point excitedly at something, it would go flying. But I just kept wearing it. Well, one morning a few months back I got out of bed in the morning and was immediately overcome with a wave of panic. My ring was not on my finger. After a frantic search of the bed, I found it nestled between the blankets. I stopped wearing it that same day.

I had intended to go and get a ring guard to temporarily adjust the sizing, but I never got around to it. I also talked about getting it sized down to fit my finger, but was hesitant to do something that 'permanent'. What if I gain some weight back, and it's too small. Then I wonder if that kind of attitude is just a way to leave myself an out to gain back a little weight. If I really have made a life change, and plan to stick with the changes, then I shouldn't be worried. Right? I feel like I've made a life change, but the permanence of sizing it down frankly worries me a little. I guess it's just that FEAR showing itself again.

What do you think, friends? Should I leave myself an out... or should I just go for it?

Fighting the Fear

The last 10 months have been transformative for me. I began my blog around the time that I really decided to do some serious self reflection and make some life changes. I wish that I had blogged my way through the process (that was really my intention from the start), and though I did make some posts during that time, they were more about my thoughts about life in general, and not necessarily specific to my fitness goals.

I could try and tell you that I'm not sure why I didn't share my journey more openly, but that wouldn't be entirely true. I think I know why I kept it to myself. FEAR. I always feared taking risks when it came to fitness and weight loss because I knew I would fail. Why did I know I would fail? Well... because I allowed myself to fail. Itwas always in my hands.

I'm sure this time, somewhere in the back of my mind I feared that I would allow myself to give up again, and I didn't want to share that with all of you. Seriously, how crappy would that be? To blog about my journey to fitness... only to end up in the same place I started... or worse. I'm not really into that kind of humiliation.

The thing is... I didn't fail. I conquered the fear. It comes back every now and then... and sometimes it puts up a pretty good fight. But, so far, I've managed to come out on top. And you know what, I've discovered some things about myself that I never knew before. I always pigeonholed myself as un-athletic. It was easier to just say, "I can't" than to risk failure by trying. But I was wrong. I am athletic. I can run. And I like to run.

I used the 'Couch to 5K' training plan and I became a runner. One day at a time. One step at a time. It was hard, and some days I didn't feel like it. It was hard to drag my butt to the gym or talk myself in to getting out and doing it. But I just focused on small goals and celebrated the tiny victories. Running for three minutes without stopping was a victory at the beginning of my journey.

I slowly (very slowly) increased my distance and decreased my time. Eventually I was running three miles on a regular basis. Around that same time I found a running partner, and she told me she was training to do a 10K (6.2miles). I thought there was no way I could run 6 miles. But I did . Then some other friends who I was running with said that we should all do a half marathon. I thought there was really no way I could run 13 miles. But I did.

In 6 months I went from struggling to run half a mile without stopping to running 13 miles without stopping and in a time that I could really celebrate and be proud of. I am healthier than I have ever been . My weight is the lowest it's been since high school. I like the person I am becoming. It's not always easy, and I still make excuses sometimes. When I feel the excuses coming, I just try to think about where I was and how I never want to live in that body again.

I had to dig a little to find photos of myself. When you're not comfortable in your own skin, it's not like you're clamoring to have your picture taken. It's hard to look at these (so imagine how hard it is to post them for the world to see). I have been up and down some over the last 13 years. Five pregnancies will do that, but I always stayed in the range of 165- 185. These are both from when I was at my heaviest... around 185 or so.

This was taken about three weeks ago and I have been maintaining around 135-140. My journey toward change is not over. The focus now is on the inside, and sometimes it really sucks to look inside myself, cause there's a lot of junk in there! This could take awhile... hopefully the rest of my life, because isn't that what life is about?... trying to be the best person you can be.

Lessons From a Toddler

Every age and stage in a child's life brings with it both joy and struggle.

Infants are completely dependent on the adults in their lives, and demand lots of attention (they seem to particularly like attention between the hours of 2 and 4AM). But they are sweet and snuggly and they have that perfect baby smell (and they don't talk back!).

Teenagers are starting to develop into the adults they will one day become, and are trying out their growing independence. But those wacky hormones make for argumentative, moody kids. Hormones must also increase IQ, cause I haven't met many teenagers who don't know EVERYTHING... or at least more than their parents.

I think my favorite age though, is the range between 18 months and 3 years... toddlerhood. I know, crazy right? This age gets kind of a bad rap. Tantrums and the terrible twos and all that nonsense. But you will never see a person who is filled with more wonder and curiosity about the world around them than a toddler. The most ordinary, everyday things will illicit awe in a toddler.

We make the 40 mile drive to Steamboat Springs a few times a month for a movie, an appointment, or to pick up something we can't find here in town. If you were to ask our four older children if they enjoy the drive, they would probably look at you like you'd lost your mind. To them, it's boring. They've seen it all before... dozens of times. But to Quinn, it's always new and exciting. There are so many everyday things along the way that he finds completely fascinating... cows, trains, horses, rivers, trucks, airplanes.

I love his sense of wonder about the world around him. I love how excited he is each day to learn new things. Why do we lose that? WHEN do we lose that? It seems like there is a period in childhood where it becomes commonplace to take life for granted. Then... somewhere in adulthood we get some of the wonder back. Maybe adults are better able to see the beauty in life because they have more experience with some of the ugliness and pain as well.

That drive to Steamboat that my older children find so boring and mundane... I know that at their ages, I would have felt similarly. But now that I am older (and hopefully a little wiser), I am able to find some wonder in the things I see along the way... the colorful foliage, the clear blue sky, an elk spied on the hillside. I can't say that I get quite as excited as Quinn about the plane in the sky, but it does help me to remember that we live in an amazing world and I should spend a little more time being AMAZED by it. There is one thing that never ceases to amaze me... my toddler.