Monday, February 22, 2010

Somtimes you should take advice from your 12 year old...

Quinn, Shayna and I headed out to the garage to take Shayna to school this morning. I opened the door to put Quinn in and... no carseat. We had taken it out yesterday to fit Evan's friends in for the ride to the Meeker rec. center for his birthday. I tried unsuccessfully to buckle the car seat in and, running short on time, decided to take Zack's pickup, which has a car seat all strapped in and ready to go. We walked around to the front of the house. Can I just mention that I was wearing slippers and no socks and the snow on the side of the house was quite deep. Brrr! We got to the truck and I realized I had no key for it. I went back in the house, managed to locate a key, got Quinn buckled in, and turned my attention to the windshield. This is precisely why my car is kept in the garage! I couldn't seem to locate an ice scraper, and spent some time searching, only to find it hiding under Shayna's backpack. I scraped off my side of the window, and left the passenger side icy. Shayna said in her 'I know everything cause I'm almost 13 voice', "Aren't you gonna do the other side?" I snapped back, "No, you're already late for school, and my hands are freezing!" I drove her to school and had just turned out of the school parking lot, when I saw the familiar and panic-inducing sight of patrol car lights flashing behind me. So he comes up to my window and asks me why he pulled me over (Why do they always do that?). I proceeded to explain to him my very stressful morning. Can you believe he showed very little sympathy?! He only wanted to see my license, insurance and registration. I'll give you one guess where my license was... yep, in the other car! I also couldn't seem to locate a current insurance card, and gave him the registration for the trailer by mistake. Good grief! I'm surprised he didn't haul me off to jail right on the spot! He took down my name and birthdate and the correct registration and went back to his vehicle. Aside from my embarrassment at being parked on one of the most highly trafficked streets in our small town, I was in a complete panic... no license, no proof of insurance, an icy windshield (not to mention the inappropriate footwear I was hoping he wouldn't notice). I was certain I was going to get multiple citations. When he reappeared by my window he says, "I am going to give you a good deal. You may not see it that way, but I do. I am not going to ticket you for the windshield, which would have been $60. I am also not going to ticket you for not having your license. I am only going to cite you for not having current proof of insurance." Are you kidding me? Of course I thought that was a good deal. All I have to do is take my insurance card in, and it all goes away... a minor inconvenience. Lesson learned -- Sometimes the almost 13 year old DOES know more than her mom. And on the bright side, my day can only get better from here... Right???

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

A Lesson in Regret

Once upon a time there was the best babysitter ever! I was having such a hard time finding someone care for my precious baby girl, and with Zack still finishing up school, I just couldn't stay home. By a remarkable turn of events, that I can only assume involved divine intervention, we found Dawn. She soon became an invaluable part of our lives. She was so much more than a daycare provider. It was just Dawn and Shayna, and she loved Shayna like she was her own. She brought her to my school so that I could nurse her; She bought things for her; She cooked for us; She kept a diary of the things that happened each day, so that I wouldn't feel so sad about being away from her. Put simply... she loved us well. And we loved her in return. She was a mentor to me in my early years of parenting. She had five children of her own, who she was raising to be kind, respectful, and God-loving. We spent many happy days together celebrating birthdays, sharing meals, enjoying our children together. I thought we would always be close. Fate had other plans, however. She went through a divorce, and moved away from our neighborhood. Zack got a different job, and we moved away from her city. I intended, of course, to keep in touch. I let time slip away from me. Nearly 5 years went by with only a couple of phone calls and Christmas cards. Her daughter found me today on Facebook, and told me that Dawn had a massive stroke in September and passed instantly. I am consumed today, by regret... by the thought of what could have been, if only I had tried a little harder. My children could have had more memories to hold onto. She had so much to give, and she gave it with her whole heart. I feel so blessed to have known Dawn, and am so thankful for her part in raising my Shayna. Today I grieve, but tomorrow I hold my babies a little tighter; write a note to someone I haven't spoken to in too long; give my love a little more freely, because "if only" are two of the saddest words in the world.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

My Next 30 Years

More on this little thing called "self-reflection". It's not an easy or fun thing to do. It means looking at the ugly, weak parts of myself, and unfortunately I have lots to work with! I am starting with an issue I know so many women can relate to... weight! I have never really been happy with my weight, or had a particularly healthy body image. I know, I know... what woman does, right? I have had no shortage of "good" excuses... the baby weight, the post-baby weight, the post-nursing weight. I could just hang on to the "I have 5 kids" excuse, but is that really gonna work for me when they're all teenagers? I feel like I have wasted a lot of time making excuses. Why??? For me, it's always been easier to make an excuse than to take a risk. Who wants to fail? But... I'm so tired of making excuses!

The other day, I was running and the Tim McGraw song, "My Next 30 Years" came on my i-pod. The lyrics to this song really summed up the attitude I have been struggling to embrace...

I think I'll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it's time to focus on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next 30 years

Well for me, this time in my life is "the ending of an era and the turning of a page". I'm moving on... no more babies in my future. So where do I go from here? I put the excuses behind me. I take control of my life. I get healthy. Sounds simple right? I am not naive enough to think that I am not gonna stumble. But if I want to live my best life, I have to be willing to take the risk.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Just a little "self-reflection"

I never thought I would be a blogger. As a matter of fact, I have given my husband a lot of grief over the last year or so about how much time he spends on his blogs (yes, that's plural... there are 3 of them). He has always claimed that they help him grow professionally. Ever the intellectual, he loves to use the term "self-reflection". Listen, I have 5 children who are, by my own admission, over-scheduled... who has time for self-reflection? Well, as it so happens I feel like I am at a transitional phase in my life. We have decided that our family is complete, and taken permanent steps to ensure that it remains that way. While a part of my heart aches with the idea that I will never hold my own newborn in my arms again and marvel at how much he looks like his siblings (because yes, it WOULD be another boy and yes they all seem to look remarkably similar), my intellect tells me it's time to move on into another season of my life... and time to make some changes. The type of change I want in my life... the type that is permanent and positive... requires that "self-reflection" thing that my intellectual husband is always yammering on about.